Well, I feel like I could copy and paste an old blog about Kaylan and put it here tonight. I've just about reached my breaking point. Kaylan is sick again. Transfusion #5 is starting tonight...as well as antibiotics, and they have stopped feeds. They continue to be concerned about all the air/gas in her tummy. They are hoping that by stopping feeds and giving antibiotics, things will turn around and look better. She's still intubated and I'm not sure for how long. Her lungs do look better, but she's had some abnormal blood work today. You'd think by now I would understand all the things the doctors say and decipher all the acronyms they rattle off - but I don't. In fact, I find myself asking them to repeat themselves several times.
I'm not really sure how to keep processing all of this. I just don't know how much her tiny body can take. And I'm not sure how much I can take either. I've shed tears and stayed on my knees about her health. I am begging God to continue to intervene. He has been faithful before and I know He will be faithful again.
On the flip side, I feel highly neglectful towards Dylan's progress. He's doing so awesome. He had his first bottle feed tonight and he did great. He burped and everything! He's consistently gaining and I feel like I just shove him to the side and run to Kaylan's bedside every time I'm at the hospital. It's such a battle to relish in the joy and progress in Dylan all the while grieving over Kaylan's struggles.
I can't plead enough with every reader of this blog to continue to fight this fight with us and carry the burden by committing our babies to prayer. We KNOW prayer changes things. We're waiting and expecting Him to do great things.
"I found it's easier to truly entrust my child to God when I was helpless to relieve his suffering." - Chris Seidman, Pastor - The Branch (viaTwitter )
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
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7 comments:
Hi Jennifer and Landon. You don't know me, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for your two sweet babies and have been since before they were born. I heard about your family from Sally in May. I'm so sorry you are all suffering along with Kaylan right now, but I know that she is in God's hands and He will continue to strengthen and heal her. May you feel His peace as He continues to work miracles in both of your children.
Janet
Jen,
I hear the weariness, worry, and torment in your "voice" as I read your words. I'm so sorry that you (Landon and Kaylan) are having to face such trials. I honestly don't know how you are doing it. The grace and love of God is so evident in you all right now as it takes every bit of His grace and love for you to make it through each day!! I want to encourage you (though it may not sound really encouraging) not to feel guilty for the way you feel and to know that espcially in the presence of God, it's ok to be weak, fragile and honest. I was reading an article in Worship Leader Magazine that was an interview with the writer of the song How He Loves and this struck me as interesting. He said, "In church we like to pretend that everything is ok a lot. And most of the songs we sing in church are the sort of happy songs, but only 15-20% of the songs in the Bible are happy. The other 75-80% are the angry ones, the sad ones, or the brutally honest ones." I was reading Psalm 42 tonight and it reminded me of reading this blog post, just in "Bible" words..."As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you O God. My soul thirsts for the living God. When can I go to meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night...Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him my Savior and my God." He is constanly saying what your saying..."my soul (my mind, will, and emotions) is weak, tired, and thirsty. When in the middle of all this chaos can I even find time to meet with you other than to cry and plead with you?" But the beautiful thing came at the end where the spirit rises up more powerfully than the soul and basically says "get up soul!! Put your hope in God and Praise Him!!" just like I always hear you say in the end. In the end, you always have to give your soul your spirit's perspective:). I don't know anything else to do or say but to encourage you with the Word of God as it is the only bit of truth that I can give you with confidence. It's always honest and it's always relevant. You're not alone. Go read through some of the Psalms and I think you'll hear the cry of your own heart and it may even give you a different thing to pray now and then:) Hope this helps:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.". Joshua 1:9
"You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1
"if we are faithless he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
I Love You,
Jasie
I am and always will pray for Sweet Kaylan and Dylan! I pray for health and strength. I pray that you and Landon will rest in God's hands and find peace in his will. I love you all!
~Megan
Jenner and Landon-Try to think ahead 6 months or so how great this will be when all of this is over, and you have both babies home just loving them the way God loves us.You both have been so strong and faithful through all of this, and it is teaching you a lot of lifes lessons even though you may not see that right now.You both will be much stronger people when this all over and everything is normal.God would not have brought you guys this far to let you down now.Keep trusting in him. I love the fab four. Grandad
You strength has been infectious. I pray you have more strength. You don't know me but your story has helped our family see the light at the end of our tunnel. I will continue to pray for you and your sweet children. I know the lord dies not give us anything we can't handle but some days we need all the support from friends and strangers to get through the hard times! Keep going, Keep praying and the rest of us will keep praying for you and support you in any way we can!!!
Jenner and Landon - These are the days when I wished we lived next door to you guys so Jen and I could just come over and wrap y'all up with our entire beings. It's still really hard for me to imagine that my baby sister is a mom of two such beautiful babies. It just seems like yesterday I was swimming with you as you "kick, kick, kick'd" around the pool with your "bubble" on your back! Ha! Then there's the awesome "brother/sister" picture with my matching red shirt and short shorts! Wow! How is it that we are all grown up now? How is it that you are there with YOUR family going through so much struggle and your big brother can't do anything to protect you? Or can I...?
Few people have been through situations where you are truly forced to look God in His face and DECIDE if you are going to trust Him beyond all else. Over the last couple of years, I have done just that, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is faithful and all He wants is for us to turn it all over to Him. It's easy to say that, but almost impossible to totally let go and surrender.
I have seen you both do this over the last several weeks. When things don't go well, it's easy to take the responsibility/control back. But trust in what you've already seen Him do. Know that, through you, Kaylan, and Dylan, so many people throughout the country are seeing what it means to trust in a loving God even when things are tough. The Lord is working here and He is in control! His name WILL be praised!
Speaking of praise! PRAISE THE LORD FOR DYLAN'S GROWTH AND HEALTH! What a huge blessing! Let's not lose sight of the fact that he was only 3 pounds just 5 1/2 weeks ago. We love you, too, Dylan. Be sure and send some love across to your baby sister when it's quiet up there. She needs you!
We love y'all. We are eager to see ya this weekend.
Jud
I know how the guilt feels. I am still that way with Grady. With every milestone Grady plows through, it puts Grayson yet another step behind. He is officially a whole year behind him now with weight and development. Like dividing your time and love with twins isn't hard enough! I always worry that Grady will resent Grayson for all of the extra attention he gets, but Grady really loves Grayson and he takes so much pride in being mommys helper and taking care of him. Could you imagine if both of them were struggling? Dylan will be your rock, your smile behind each tear. Now I have to go get ready for theses little toots birthday party. I can't believe they are 2 already! Before you know it D & K will be celebrating their first birthday and you will look back and wonder how you ever made it through this.
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